There is a naked guy in my bed!

Now, let’s not get carried away with our imagination here. No implied meaning to the title you dirty people. There was no sword fighting going on, no Axe spray or Gamecube involved, and definitely no Jack Johnson! And I don’t think naked planking has caught on yet…maybe with the French.

This morning I woke up to the slight rustling of the other dorm roommates who were beginning to wake and pack all their stuff. I didn’t sleep well at all in the night and I was not even close to being ready to wake up. I rubbed my eyes, checked my phone and realized I had about 15min to check out or book another night. I decided I will stay another night, so I rolled out of bed, laced up my Chucks and made my way downstairs.

Just an everyday morning so far. Stopped at the ATM, booked another night at the Fat Camel and inquired about skydiving in Taupo. Since I was reeking of stale beer and my hair was still caked with gel I decided I would freshen up a tad bit with a nice shower.

Just an everyday morning right? Hell no.

I enter my dorm and go to throw my stuff on to my bed when I notice something out of the ordinary. There is a naked guy in my bed! I do the whole double take routine, I check the door number thinking I may have gone into the wrong room but I was in the right room. This is what went down:

“What the fuck?” I think to myself out loud. I remember seeing this dude last night staying somewhere on this floor, but I know he wasn’t staying in this room. I use my Lonely Planet New Zealand guide to poke his leg a couple of times, the first time I have used my Lonely Planet book this trip actually, but he doesn’t budge.

Now I am getting kinda pissed. My clothes, backpack and belongings are now buried somewhere under this naked guy and I need to get him out of my bed before he leaves a residual naked-guy-ness on them.

“Hey man, you need to get the hell out of my bed”. This was no time to be nice.

Naked Guy grumbles. His eyes open but his eyeballs were just swirling in circles and he shifts slightly but doesn’t respond. Now it is time to kick the guy, so I do, and repeat the same phrase just slightly harsher.

Naked Guy opens his eyes again. They are like those cartoon characters eyes when they get smacked over the head. Suddenly Naked guy sits up, stares at me blankly and says, “what’s up dude”.

“You’re in my bed and you need to get out right now” I say again, but it doesn’t seem to compute. Finally he seems to snap out of it slightly. “Give me a second mate”.

“Ok hurry up” I say. Sure, take your time being naked in my bed all over my stuff! He begins looking around at my clothes and the other roommates clothes on the ground like he is going to take something to wear.

“Just take the blanket and go”. And so he does, half wrapped in a blanket out into the hallway. The other roommate in the dorm just shakes his head, and I start thinking about how I can find a flamethrower and light everything on fire.

Turns out the naked Frenchman was kicked out of his room for pissing on someone else’s luggage, and after I left he made his way into my room somehow. The hostel staff had kicked him out of the room and told him to pack up and leave but like some kind of naked ninja he snuck back in. I proceeded to remove everything on the bed and take it to the laundry machine, hazmat suit and all.

And that was the start to my not so normal day today.

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